Phase 2: Respond Differently: The Outcome Doesn't Move, But Everything Else Can
My daughters recently came home from a playdate, and I could tell before either of them said a word that something had happened because one of them was quiet and withdrawn.
I asked her sister if something happened and that's when it came out. The friend who'd hosted the playdate is close with one of my daughters, but not really with the other. My daughter had spent the whole afternoon feeling like the two of them had paired off and left her on the outside.
This sparked a conversation about how hard it is being the one in the middle of two close friendships. I also acknowledged how easy it is to accidentally leave someone out without meaning to, and how a playdate with three people isn't always going to feel even to all three.
About 10 minutes into the conversation, her sister went to give her constructive feedback. That’s when my other daughter slowly backed out of the room and into the hallway.
I looked at her and said, "Come back. You need to hear this."
She planted herself and wouldn't move. We had a staring contest for about 30 seconds, the two of us standing there, neither budging or moving a muscle.
Finally, I came to my senses. I could sense my jaw was tightening and I was in that mode of "I'm not backing down." That's when I realized my actual goal as her mother (teach her, guide her through this, help her handle conflict a little better) had already been met. We'd already covered the real substance minutes earlier so sitting there gripping the boundary wasn't protecting an outcome anymore. It was just me not wanting to lose.
So I let go.
I turned to my other daughter and said, "You can tell me what you want to say."
I wasn't losing a power struggle in that hallway because there was no power struggle to win. I'd already achieved my goals as a mom. She just needed the conversation to end before I, or her sister, was ready to let it.
If I'd stopped to ask myself the question I used to ask, "is this defiance or is this overwhelm," I probably would have landed on defiance. She was standing right there, fully capable and fine just a minute ago and now not saying anything. That label would have kept me holding the line long after I needed to let it go. It might have led me to dish out a consequence because I’d seen it as blatant disrespect that needs to be corrected.
So this week, I want to push back on something most of us have been taught: That a "no" needs to get sorted into one of two boxes. It’s either that they’re testing your boundary or emotionally overwhelmed.
The problem with this approach is that this label quietly pulls you toward a different mistake. Decide "they're testing me," and you're primed to get stricter, hold firmer, and prove you mean it, which can tip into rigid, my-way-or-nothing territory if you're not careful. Decide "they're overwhelmed," and you're primed to soften everything, including the outcome itself, which can tip into permissive, where the task quietly disappears because naming the overwhelm felt like enough. Neither mistake is really about your child. It's about the label doing your thinking for you.
This whole series is built around learning to see behavior differently. This is exactly what that looks like applied to a "no." Last week we called behavior communication. This week I want to push that a step further. It's not just communication. It's feedback. Communication tells you something's being said, while feedback tells you what to actually do with it. Do you adjust, try something else, or stay the course? I want you to start seeing your child’s "no" not as merely a message to decode, but information about whether the path you're on is working.
So instead of asking myself "which box does this go in?", I ask, “what does my child actually need right now, and does the outcome I care about have to move to give it to them?”
Almost always, the answer to that second part is no. The outcome doesn't have to move. What tends to change the most, though, is the path I take to get there. And when more than one path would actually work, I try to pick whichever one keeps us close, not just whichever one's fastest.
Either way, the things we do every day, like teeth brushing, shoes on, get in the car, and leave the park, still have to happen. It's how we get there that matters, and we'll talk about how to navigate that too.
After this issue, you'll know:
- Why "is this defiance or overwhelm" isn't the most useful question, and the sharper one to ask instead
- 6 paths that get you to the same outcome, without a fight, plus which one to reach for when
- What this menu deliberately leaves out, and why, including the one rare tool I don't teach here
- Age-specific scripts, from toddlers through elementary-age kids
