I'm tired of parenting content that subtly gaslights parents with messages like "Your child isn't trying to reject you or hurt your feelings."
Yes they are.
Whenever your child blurts out things like "I don't want to play with you anymore" or "I'm not your friend" or "You're a mean mommy", they are trying to reject you.
These phrases are designed (not consciously or maliciously) but nonetheless designed to land exactly where they landed. Let's not sit here and pretend children randomly string shocking words together at precisely the right times just because.
No, kids are smart. They mean what they said.
I recently saw a mom bravely admit on social media that she’s been struggling with her 8-year-old who tells her he “hates” her. Someone in the comments praised her for creating a safe environment where her son feels comfortable coming to her with all his messy feelings.
And I was left thinking… Nahhh. An 8-year-old saying he “hates” his mom is way different from a 4-year-old saying it. We do parents a huge disservice when we rush to reassure them that their child’s behavior is “normal” and a sign of “good parenting” without giving them anything actually useful to do with it. That mom was clearly reaching out for help. She deserved more than a gold star.
This newsletter is my attempt to give you something more than that.
Let’s be real - Hearing our child verbally attack us is triggering. Oftentimes, our body registers it before your brain even had a chance to catch up. We freeze because we’re stunned. Our mind races with thoughts like, “How dare they!!” We blurt out things like “Watch your mouth.” and “Excuse me?!? What did you just say to me?" That is our nervous systems responding to an ambush.
So instead of telling you it wasn't an attack, let's talk about what to actually do with that.
After reading this week's issue, you'll know:
- Why children use shock-value language and what they're actually trying to communicate
- What to say in the moment for 3 different scenarios, including "I hate you" and "I don't want to play with you anymore"
- How to have the follow-up conversation that builds empathy instead of guilt
- Where the line is between being honest about how their words landed versus tipping into shame
- How to coach your child toward the language they needed and didn't have
Let’s dive in!
