The wrong snack was all it took.
One minute she was fine, and the next, she wasn’t. She was yelling, shoving her brother, and deaf to anything either parent said to her.
A TMP Times member described this exact afternoon to me a while back, her sweet, easygoing 7-year-old turning into someone she barely recognized within minutes of walking through the door. If it helps to name it: this isn't your kid being purposely disrespectful. As I've talked about before, it's a kid who's been holding it together since 7am, and home is the first place all day it's finally safe to fall apart.
Her husband got to the scene first and said something like, "That's disrespectful. You're losing your tablet tonight." In his mind, this was never really about the snack, it was about a kid who needed to feel a limit, or tomorrow would be worse.
Mom got there 10 seconds later. "Hey. I can see something's really hard right now." In her mind, a kid this far gone didn't need a consequence, she needed to feel like someone was actually with her.
Neither parent was wrong and that’s what makes this really hard and disorienting. From her story, I see two loving, competent parents who are trying their best. They are giving their daughter two completely reasonable responses.
Based on this mom’s recount, their daughter didn’t calm down for either of them. If anything, she got more confused and it took longer to get through it. The afternoon continued with dinner and bedtime routine and nobody had the bandwidth (or space) to talk about what had happened between the two of them.
If you resonate with the emotional whiplash of watching your partner respond one way while your gut screams a different response, then this newsletter is for you.
After this issue, you'll know:
- Why two reasonable, loving responses from two different parents can be more dysregulating for your kid than either one alone
- Why this was never really a fight about if you discipline, or even how, it's about when
- A simple structure for deciding, in the moment, who leads and who supports, without needing to agree on a parenting philosophy first
- A step-by-step guide for the conversation you have once the kids are asleep
- What to do if your partner won't engage, or you still can't agree after talking
- Why doing your partner's repair work for him might be quietly undermining his relationship with your kids
Let’s dive in!
