Phase 4: Get Ahead of the Next Blowup (A Plan for the Moment You Can See Coming)
On Sundays, we go on a family nature walk on one of our favorite trails. On one recent Sunday, one of my daughters was slow moving and sulking a little. Everyone else was ready and waiting on her. As the minutes ticked by, I could feel my patience going. "Let's go," I said. "I expect cooperation if you want to keep doing all the fun stuff."
She stopped. "What fun stuff?" She was sincerely confused and concerned.
It worked. I got her attention. I got her to care, but the minute that line left my mouth, I regretted it.
Later, once things had settled, I circled back to this moment.
"We are a family that goes on nature walks together. That’s just what we do. I don’t want this to turn into a fight every week. Of course, you don't have to pretend to be excited, and it's okay to feel disappointed that we're going. I get it. I don’t always feel like going but I always feel better once it’s done. Have you noticed that, too?”
And then I set a clear expectation: “When it's time to go, I expect you to say ‘okay’ and come along. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but I need you to keep moving forward.”
Having this conversation also reminds me that it’s okay for my children to feel disappointment in the family plan. It’s unrealistic to expect them to always feel excited about plans they didn’t create. The single best thing I can do in these moments is relate to that feeling, while teaching them the lesson that oftentimes healthy habits are hard to get started in the moment, but we rarely regret doing them. Whether it’s going to bed on time, eating healthier foods, or exercising — we almost always feel better after they’re done and we’re proud that we did them.
Now, the tool that I reactively used out of impatience (removing privileges), technically worked in the sense that it got her attention and garnered up some external motivation. But as my girls get older, explaining the why and making room for their real feelings matters more to me than compliance. Our relationship right now is the blueprint for the relationships they'll have later.
I’m happy to report that our Sunday walks are met with a little less resistance. The most important thing, though, is I’m not reaching for a threat. I anticipate this trigger (disappointment and reluctance) and have a plan for how to meet it.
Last week we focused on what to do and say in the moment. Phase 4 is about not letting the moment catch you off guard in the first place.
After this issue, you'll be able to:
- Stop having the same blowup on repeat. Find the one moment in your house that keeps going wrong (after school, leaving the park, Sunday mornings) and get ahead of it before it starts.
- Say the right thing before the moment, not scramble during it. A short 3-part heads-up that replaces the threat, the lecture, or the yelling.
- Meet the need underneath before the blowup starts. Many meltdowns come from a need that runs low at the same time every day: food, rest, connection, a break from demands.
- Get through the days when you understand it all and you’re still exhausted. A smaller plan for tired days, so you’re not trying to do it perfectly while running on empty.
- Know if this is working. What progress actually looks like at 30 days, so you can see your wins even if your house isn’t calm.
