Last week, my 7-year-old was sprawled on our bedroom floor in full meltdown mode over a shirt. Her and her sister had a disagreement about a shirt and her world had officially ended. I listened, I problem-solved, I offered alternatives.
But 30 minutes before we needed to leave, she was still on the floor, still upset, still refusing to get dressed.
Here's what I said: "The car leaves in 30 minutes. You need to get dressed, brush your teeth, wash your face, eat breakfast, and pack your backpack. I expect you to get your tasks done. It's okay to feel upset. Don't let your feelings get in the way of your responsibilities."
Then I walked away to help my other daughter get ready.
5-minutes later, she emerged from her room, picked up the clothes she'd thrown around, got dressed, and completed every single morning task. While helping her with her hair, I made sure to acknowledge her maturity in moving through that difficult moment.
"Great job taking care of your responsibilities and setting yourself up for a good day. It's always OK to feel your feelings and we can't let our feelings hold us back from what we need to do. I'm proud of you."
This interaction has stuck with me.
I think it captures something so many parents are wrestling with right now. We've gotten really good at validating feelings, but somewhere along the way, I fear we’ve lost the plot.
I think we’ve taken the emotional validation a bit too far and lost the point about teaching kids that emotions and functioning can coexist.
Many families are stuck in endless emotional processing while basic expectations fall by the wayside. And I don’t want this for you.
After reading this newsletter, you'll learn:
- Why constant emotional validation without expectations can actually increase your child's emotional intensity (and get in the way of emotional development)
- The exact language to use when your child needs to function through difficult feelings
- How to distinguish between genuine inability and learned helplessness around emotions
- Why teaching distress tolerance is one of the most loving things you can do for your child
- A framework for when to fully process emotions versus when to acknowledge and move forward
Let’s dive in!
