The Gift of Boundaries: Setting Gentle but Firm Limits During the Holidays

We've all been there - standing in Target while our child melts down in the toy aisle, desperately wanting that shiny new toy they just spotted.

Our holiday to-do list is a mile long, we're already running behind, and in this moment, it would be so much easier to just give in.

After all, isn't this season supposed to be magical and special for our children? 😭

Yet deep down, we know that maintaining boundaries during the holidays isn't just important - it's essential for everyone's wellbeing.

We're feeling pulled in so many directions: wanting to create special memories, feeling guilty about saying "no," and honestly, feeling a bit resentful when our children seem ungrateful despite all our efforts to make the season special.

In this week's issue, we'll explore how to maintain gentle but firm boundaries during this busy season while keeping our relationships strong and our sanity intact.

You'll learn:

• Why children struggle more with limits during the holidays (and why that's completely normal)
• Practical strategies for preventing meltdowns in high-excitement environments
• Scripts for saying "no" compassionately while validating feelings
• How to maintain consistent routines when everything feels chaotic

Part 1: Understanding the Holiday Boundary Challenge

When it comes to setting boundaries during the holidays, we're dealing with a perfect storm of factors that make things particularly challenging.

Our children are experiencing:

• Disrupted routines due to special events and activities
• Heightened excitement and anticipation
• Sensory overload from decorations, music, and crowds
• Mixed messages about wants vs. needs (think: constant commercials and toy catalogs)

Meanwhile, we parents are:

• Carrying extra mental load trying to make everything special
• Dealing with our own stress and overwhelm
• Managing increased expenses and time pressures
• Possibly navigating our own childhood memories and expectations

This combination creates a situation where our children need boundaries more than ever, yet we feel less equipped to provide them consistently.

Let's look at how this plays out in a common scenario that many families face during the holiday season:

A parent - let’s call her Leslie - recently shared with me her struggle with her young children's increasingly demanding behavior and backtalk during this busy time of year. Despite trying to make the season special, she found herself exhausted by constant negotiations and power struggles.

Leslie was doing many things right - focusing on connection, trying to have conversations about better choices, and offering redirection.

But she still felt stuck in a cycle of demanding behavior followed by frustrated responses.

This situation perfectly illustrates a crucial truth about boundaries:

Here's why:

When Boundaries Feel Hard:

• Our children's behavior often intensifies before it improves
• We might feel guilty about maintaining limits during a "special" time
• We're more likely to give in when we're tired and overwhelmed
• The behavior might feel more triggering because "we're doing so much for them"

But this is exactly why boundaries matter more now than ever.

Here's how to approach it:

Outside the Moment Work

• Focus heavily on connection and filling their attention cup during calm times
• Notice and praise respectful communication when it happens
• Have proactive conversations about expectations and appropriate ways to make requests
• Circle back after difficult moments to problem-solve together

In the Moment Response When your child makes demands or responds rudely:

• Stay calm and name what you see: "I notice you're having a hard time speaking respectfully"
• Give them the words: "It sounds like you're trying to say..."
• Set the boundary: "I'll listen when you can ask calmly"
• Then wait: "I'll wait until you're ready"

The key is to avoid getting pulled into power struggles.

If they continue with demanding behavior: