Why Your Kid Lies (and the Question You Should Stop Asking)

I've had the same conversation twice in the past few weeks with two different parents, two very different kids, and the same frustration.

The first flat out said, "I don't like when my kids lie. It makes me really mad. I don't mind if they do something they're not supposed to. We can figure that out. The lying is something I probably don't handle well."

She told me about a time she walked into the bathroom and found water all over the floor. Her daughter was standing right there making a mess. She could see her doing it in real time so she asked…

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. I didn't do anything."

"Don't lie. I heard you. I watched you."

Then her daughter just panicked and stuck with her story even though she’d been caught red handed.

The second parent described her son differently.

He'd look her dead in the eye, fully calm, and say he didn't do it even when they both knew he was lying. She said it was like being interrogated by a tiny spy who had decided he was never going to crack.

Both parents had tried everything including explanations about why honesty was important, consequences for their actions, conversations on how lying gets you in more trouble than the original thing. Both had said some version of "I'm not mad you did it, I'm mad you LIED."

Despite their best efforts, nothing stuck. If anything, the more they pushed for honesty, the harder their kids dug in.

They both asked me some version of the same question: "Am I expecting too much? Is this just what kids do?" 😰

As parents, lying is something we swear our kids will never do, and then we're left feeling ashamed and worried when the lying shows up anyway.

Here's what I want you to understand before we go any further:

I know our minds naturally jump to the worst, afraid we’re raising a manipulative child but I’m here to tell you otherwise. When a child senses that you're upset, disappointed, about to get loud, their nervous system does what nervous systems do. It tries to make the threat go away as fast as possible. In that moment, "I didn't do it" feels like the best way to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

The more a parent pushes for the truth, the more unsafe truth-telling feels. The demand for honesty is, to a scared child, just more threat. This is why children dig in, double down and stick to their story. They’ve decided in that moment that lying is the safer option.

This is why "I'm not mad you did it, I'm mad you LIED" doesn't work the way we think it should. It feels fair to say but what a child actually hears is: My reaction is a big deal and you should be worried about it. Lying serves to avoid the negative reaction which results in better “storytelling” and embellishment of the truth, not true honesty.

After we talked, Renee told me, "I feel like I inadvertently, without meaning to, ended up threatening them with me being upset." Of course, this wasn’t her intent and we’re all guilty of making this mistake as parents. We just want to raise honest kids who do the right thing, even when it’s hard.

Let’s talk about exactly how to get started with this.