Book Club Meltdown (The Night "Use Your Words" Stopped Working)

Over the summer, my daughters and I started a book club. It came from the realization that all our reading time was spent with us all reading independently. I started to miss reading and having conversations together. As they enter puberty, I also want to stay connected with them, talk about important topics and answer any questions or concerns that linger in their minds. I want a regular
”meeting time” for us come together as girls.

Anyways, I picked out our book and announced one day, “Girls, we’re starting a book club! The first book we’re going to read is this one. We will come together every other day and read one chapter together and talk about what we’re learning.” (This is the book we’re reading in case anyone is curious).

The first two meetings were a breeze. We had our 3rd book club meeting earlier this week and it was an absolute sh*t show. For this particular meeting, they had to share their business plan with the group. They both came to the meeting giggly, having had a blast working on their business plan a few moments before. I began the meeting and my daughter volunteered to share her business plan. I had to interrupt to tell her sister to stop laughing.

This is when everything changed.

When it came time to share her business plan, my daughter shut down. She refused to share and wouldn’t respond to my questions or even look at me. She just laid on the living room floor, unresponsive.

Honestly it was annoying and I got impatient. I set a 1 minute timer and said, "If you don't start in the next minute, we’re going to move on and you’re not getting your iPad tonight.”

Welp, that didn’t “work.” The timer ran out and we moved on without her.

I want to own that part honestly, because it's the part that actually taught me something. Threatening her didn't get her talking. It confirmed the thing she was already feeling, which she'd tell me later, "I felt like you guys were mad at me."

She spent the beginning of the meeting quietly crying on the couch, inching closer and closer to me, until halfway through she asked if she could share her idea after all. I encouraged her to read a bit and then after we finished the chapter, she shared her business plan. It was great.

Afterwards, I flat out asked, “What happened earlier? You stopped talking and wouldn’t say why.”

That’s when she confessed that she felt like I was angry at her. That’s when a larger conversation unfolded. I talked about how we all have different ways we cope with stress and big feelings.

I said something along the lines of, “We all cope with big feelings differently. We tend to have a way we prefer to cope.

Some of us hide and go into our shell.

Some of us lash out and get angry.

Some of us cry and completely meltdown.

We can do a combination of all 3, too.

Then I turned to my daughter and said, “I notice that when you get overwhelmed and upset, you tend to hide in your shell like a turtle.” I turned to my other daughter, “While you’re more likely to cry or lash out and yell, like a lion.”

They both smiled.

“It’s all completely normal. We all handle our feelings differently. What’s most important is that we talk through our feelings together as best as we can. We don’t have to stay stuck. We can talk it out and move on.”

That’s when I could tell it was clicking because my daughter said, “Yeah, it’s like if you keep stuffing trash under your bed, eventually it's going to break the bed. We have to deal with things as they come.”

Exactly, kid, exactly.

That’s when I got an idea. “Let’s come up with code words. Something I can say when I notice you’re getting into those modes to remind you to communicate.”

That’s when the fun began. We laughed and tried to come up with animals that match the stress response and remind us to communicate.

🐢 Turtle talk when I notice they’re shutting down, going into their shells and I want to encourage them to talk.
🐿️ Squirrel squeak when they’re running away from the moment (and again I want them to talk it out)
🦁 Lion lips when they’re getting loud, snapping and arguing (this one's mine 😅)
🐱 Cat cry when they’re melting down

I told her, "You can literally just say 'mom, I'm not ready to share my business plan right now.’ That's all I need to know."

Then I ended the meeting with, "I'm not taking iPads tonight on one condition. That we practice this. Practice talking to each other even when we’re upset. I'm not asking anybody to be perfect. I work on this every day. All I’m asking is that we try our best to work on this, together.”

And then we sealed it with a pinky promise.

Now let me stop here and break down what was actually happening.