Every child has two essential curriculums for their development:
The one at school: Letters, numbers, colors.
And the invisible one at home: How to ask for space, how to share, how to calm their body when it wants to explode.
The first helps them succeed academically.
The second helps them thrive emotionally + relationally.
And when the second is missing?
It doesn’t just show up at home - it shows up everywhere.
When children lack the tools to express themselves, it often manifests as defiance and aggression - and it only takes one moment of frustration to shift the entire energy of the house.
One child reaches out, frustrated, and hits their sibling.
A toy flies across the room.
A door slams.
Your voice tightens.
"Don’t hit!" you snap.
"That’s not okay!"
"Use your words!"
And just like that, you’ve said the same thing you always say…
But the moment doesn’t change.
Here’s the reframe I want to offer you today:
Your child isn’t misbehaving. They’re struggling to meet the expectations of a curriculum they haven’t been taught yet.
They’re under-coached.
Let’s drop the idea that our job is to stop “bad” behavior.
Let’s begin to see ourselves as communication coaches.
Imagine a…
- Soccer coach yelling at a team for missing every pass… but never practicing drills.
- Music teacher telling a child to “play the right note!”… but never showing them where their fingers go.
- Parent saying “Be kind!” or “Use your words!”… and never modeling the exact words their child should say.
We aren’t doing this to be harsh or lazy.
We do it because we weren’t taught any different.
We do it because it’s an automatic response we’ve learned to fall back on during moments of stress.
We’ve been taught that kids “should know better.”
“Don’t let them get away with it!”
“If you don’t show them who’s boss, they’ll walk all over you.”
But the truth is: Your child doesn’t know any better. Not yet.
And yelling and criticizing their behavior doesn’t make you a “boss” or a leader.
It makes you their enemy.
So let’s flip the script.
