Every parent knows the second when your child looks right at you and does the thing you just asked him not to do.
A mom in our community wrote to me about one of those recent moments. Specifically, it was a a normal, routine evening walk. Her family takes these almost every night, but on this particular night, her 5-year-old started out on his bike and then decided he wanted to walk, so she carried his helmet while her husband took the bike. His little sister, who is 2, was with her dad a few steps behind. A few houses down, a neighbor had turned the front yard into a Halloween cemetery, and the family stopped to admire it.
Her son drifted toward one of the gravestones like he wanted to touch it. She called out for him not to, and explained that the neighbors had spent a lot of time on those decorations and the importance of respecting them. He backed off without a word.
They kept walking, then doubled back to catch up with her husband and the little one, and they passed the cemetery again. Everyone paused so the 2-year-old could take in the lights. Her son started toward that same gravestone, very slowly, and touched it while she was asking him not to.
In the moment, she remembers feeling shock, and then disappointment. Her son’s actions felt like he knew exactly what he was doing and did it anyway. “I’m disappointed in you,” she said.
He started to cry. She put her arm around him and they walked on. A little later his sister ran past and she smiled at her. He noticed, and a few minutes after that he quietly asked, “Why are you happy with her and mad at me?”
That question is why she wrote to me. “I was disappointed,” she said, “but I feel I shouldn’t have said that.” She grew up watching what disappointment can do. Her dad was so afraid of his own father’s disappointment that he never stepped out of line, and she remembers thinking of it as using emotions as a weapon. Now she had just done it with her own son.
I know that feeling. Mine comes out when I tell my daughters point blank, “I’m not impressed.” I’ve said it a few times, usually when the bickering feels relentless or they do something that triggers me and I’m done. If you’ve ever felt that heat rise because you’re trying SO hard to be a loving, intentional parent and it feels like your child is going out of their way to make things hard, pour yourself a coffee and come close. This one is for you.
In this newsletter, we’ll be talking about:
- What your child can hear when you say “I’m disappointed in you,” and why it stings longer than we mean it to
- Why a deliberate act can still be a child doing it for the plot, and how seeing it that way changes how you respond
- What to say instead when you feel shock, fear or frustration towards your child
- A step-by-step plan for the moment, plus a heads-up to use before your next walk
- What to say when your child asks, in his own way, if you still love him
