Every parent of an older child knows the moment you realize the thing that worked at 3 does not work at 8.
A mom in our community wrote to me about hers. Her oldest daughter is 8, and about once a week (sometimes a few weeks apart) her daughter resorts to hitting, kicking and throwing when she’s upset and doesn’t get her way. This mom has bravely agreed to share her recent moments with us in hopes of shedding light on where the breakdown is happening and how to help her daughter move away from physical aggression during hard moments.
One recent night started with a pair of shoes her daughter needed for the school play. Mom couldn’t find them, and the tears started right away. Later, over a puzzle, her daughter noticed her little sister had drawn on her sticky notes and, instead of communicating with her, kicked her. Mom suggested they go upstairs to calm down, and for once her daughter agreed. Mom wrapped her in a blanket, and her daughter asked to play a game. Mom was making dinner, so dad played with her instead.
After dinner, her daughter asked for Legos. Mom said no because it was almost time for her shower, and her daughter lost it. She ran for the box, mom took it out of her hands, and the hitting started. Her daughter hit mom’s back and yanked her ponytail, so mom told her she wasn’t being safe and went into the girls’ room with dad and the little sister and shut the door. Her daughter screamed and banged on the other side, and each time mom opened it, she got hit in the face. Once, mom threw up her hands to block and accidentally poked her daughter in the eye. Her daughter burst into tears, and so did mom, who told me she cried because she was afraid she was doing it all wrong.
On another night, her daughter started hitting, kicking and throwing things when it was time to end a game. This time, mom stayed in the room, and her daughter eventually stopped on her own. Hold on to that, because we’ll come back to it.
Her email ended with this: “Bringing her to a quiet place doesn’t work anymore when she is bigger than me and refuses to go. You know what I mean?”
Yup, I know what she means, and I’m so glad she asked. A lot of parenting advice (mine included) focuses on toddlers and preschoolers when it comes to aggression, and leaving older kids out is a mistake.
Before we go any further, I want to give this mom a shout out. She keeps notes so she can see patterns. She repairs after hard nights. Her daughter can tell her when she felt mad or scared. She’s reading the parenting blogs and emails and trying her best to help her daughter. Those are the habits of a parent who is doing a lot right, and they are the reason I believe this can change.
Her question is big enough that I’m splitting it into 2 issues, because an 8-year-old who hits is asking you two questions, and each one deserves its own space.
- Part 1 (today): “Am I safe? Will you stop me?” You’ll learn what to say and do in the moment, why your first step is never to leave, and how to set a consequence she understands.
- Part 2 (next Monday): “How do I learn to communicate better?” You’ll learn what to teach her to do instead of hitting, including exactly what to say when she tells you “I don’t know.”
Together, they give you a plan for the hard moment and for the skills that give her something else to do with her anger.
If your child is younger and hits when upset, most of this applies to you now, with a few age adjustments in the box near the end. It’s also foundational work worth saving and coming back to as they grow. If yours is already 7, 8 or 9, this one is for you.
In this newsletter, we’ll be talking about:
- Why the quiet room stops working as your child grows older, and what it may have been teaching all along
- The first question underneath an 8-year-old’s hitting: “Am I safe? Will you stop me?”
- What to say and do in the moment when she hits, why your first step is never to leave, and what this mom found when she stayed
- How to see a sibling moment all the way through
- The calm talk and the consequence that make the difference: “If you choose to put your hands on someone, this happens.”
